Monday, September 17, 2012

My Blog is Just Like "The Satanic Verses"

Well, here we are. I am certain that many of you have had one sleepless night after another, wondering where I am. Wondering if I am OK. Wondering if I am wearing pants. This is clearly evident by the zero emails I have received, asking if I am going to blog again.

The truth is, I've become the Salman Rushdie of bloggers, and have gone into hiding, waiting for Dooce to issue a fatwa against me. I am pretty sure it has already happened, as evidenced by my tire being slashed at work. Either that, or I work with juveniles who decided they didn't like my "Justin Bieber Runs Like a Girl" bumper sticker. 

You really haven't lived as a social worker until you have A) Had your tires slashed while at work, and B) Participated in a baby smuggling ring. I am two for two.

To get you all caught up to speed about what I have been up to, I figured we would play a little round of Three Truths and a Lie, also known as, "The Republican/Democratic Conventions." You get to guess what the lie is!

1) I have started a book club where we read books without pictures.
2) I have decided to become a vegetarian.
3) I have become a DIYer.
4) I have stopped judging people.

1) I have started a book club where we read books without pictures. TRUE.

My work schedule changed, about four months ago, and my official hours are Butt Crack of Dawn to 3 PM. It actually says that on my time card.

I used to be in a book club, and I liked being able to "read" and talk about people. So, I am starting my own, and the first official night is this Wednesday.

And yes, I actually chose a book that doesn't have a single picture. But don't fret. It has the word "vagina" at least 487 times, so I think that makes up for the lack of pictures, and some.

 2) I have decided to become a vegetarian. TRUE.

 Here is me last Tuesday, at 7:43 PM, at The State Fair:

And here is me now: 

I have been clean for five days now, and it hasn't been as difficult as I expected. I've only dreamed about Lady Gaga's meat dress twice, and taken licks off Mr. T's bacon flavored Lickety Stik, 7 times.

I made this decision mostly because I picture eating Mr. T every time I have a giant, delicious, juicy, moist, flavorful, delicious, juicy, delicious, yummy hamburger, but also for some health reasons. I think it's going really well. I've eaten 8 1/2 gallons of ice cream so far.

3) I have become a DIYer. TRUE.

Oh, hey! Look what I made! It was so easy that a monkey, or Jessica Simpson, could do it!

Next up? Knitting this sweater for Mr. T:

4) I have stopped judging people. LIE.

Listen, if you ever hear that I have stopped being judgey, know that it is because of one of two possible reasons. I have a traumatic brain injury, or I have started listening to Glenn Beck. THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN. With people like Honey Boo Boo:

And this mom, who potty trains her daughters in a public restaurant (I like to call her "Honey Poo Poo"):

I will never not judge people. They say that by their fruits ye shall know them. Well, these fruits are judgey, my friends.

This post was brought to you by Mr. T. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

Blog Eat Blog

Well, hey there! I was doing a little spring cleaning this week, and found my little old, dusty, neglected blog in the closet. I'm a little surprised I didn't get a visit from BPS (Blogging Protective Services) to find out why I have only been feeding my blog soda and Cheetos, and have been letting it sit around in it's own feces all day long.

I do have stuff I want to blog about. Mostly banal, dumb, pop culture things, like how there are people who still actually watch American Idol, why Lindsay Lohan's face scares me more than Mario Lopez's baby, why my dog currently has to eat inside of a trash can, if we should bomb Syria, and how Satan's minions are throwing him a retirement party, now that Snooki is pregnant.

Sadly, since I am still recovering from Daylight Savings Time, or as Arizona calls it, Sunday, I really don't have the energy to blog about the important things, like what my preferred weapon would be during a zombie apocalypse. Mr. T is circling his new mess hall, so, duty calls. All blogs get diaper rash,every now and again, right?


Monday, January 23, 2012

In Other News...

Well, another year has come and gone, and sadly, I still have not had a Law and Order: SVU episode made, based upon my life. Here's to hoping 2012 is the year that I will do something provocative/slutty enough to have my life ripped from the headlines.

I don't typically make New Year's Resolutions, but something happened to me in the past few weeks, that has made me reassess how I am living, and has shaken me to the very core.

Without further fanfare, here is my resolution for 2012:

I will verify that every single bad I use to pick up Mr. T's dog poop is free from all holes, no matter how small.

There is no need for me to check in with everyone, in six months. If you can hear vomiting 1,000 miles away, you will know that I have failed.

In other news, I was going to share that one of the other things I was going to challenge myself to do in 2012, was to get Type II Diabetes. My Mickey Rourke-loving coworker, Charlie, has expressed deep love and concern for me and my sugary eating habits, by telling me that, "I hope someday you won't be able to eat a donut without going into a coma."

But then that famewhore Paula Deen had to one-up me and steal my insulin thunder by coming out of the diabetic closet. So now, I guess I'm going to have to try for getting the Poor Man's diabetes, hypertension. Wish me luck!

In other news, Adam and I are teaching the 4-year olds at church. It's like Jesus wants his little children to learn about cocaine, Lindsay Lohan, and pictures of Mario Lopez depicting Lucifer, in the Spirit World.

I think we are doing an excellent teaching job, since one of the little girls in the class told us that Santa brought her new panties for Christmas, which she proceeded to show us by putting her legs in the air, spread eagle. That was probably one of the most spiritual moments in my teaching career.

And lastly, in other news, we have enrolled Mr. T in daycare. We were concerned about him being one of those weird only children, so we thought some socialization would be good for him. We couldn't have been more proud when he passed the written test with flying colors, and sniffed the employee's crotches in a friendly, non-aggressive manner.

He seems to play well with others, but he came home with a scratch, that recently got infected. We've been teaching him some self-defense moves, against his daycare bullies (my money is on that freaky Labradoodle), by hiding a shank inside his wrinkles. He seems to be managing well.

P.S. My Snuggie Picture of the Week has officially come to an end. However, if anyone wants to send me a Snuggie picture for my personal, creepy collection, please feel free to do so. I think that's probably my in for SVU.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Merry Christmas!


This is what Christmas cards look like when you're only a little vain. Have a lovely holiday season.


Monday, December 19, 2011

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Bloggers spend a lot of time worrying/thinking about what kind of blogger they are, and what genre/niche (I like to pronounce it "neesh" in order to be pretentious and snobby) their blog belongs to. I consider my blog to fall under the common and popular genre of Classy Humor Smut. If you haven't noticed, I keep things classy by only showing "church nipple" pictures, here on my blog.

I am super excited to announce that I have recently moved into another blog category. Mommy Blogger. I've been waiting for this moment for a very long time, and my dream of posting about how engorged my breasts are, and mucous plugs, has finally come true!

And what Mommy Blog would be complete without lots of pictures of me and our new little family addition?

Introducing, Mr. T Pulsipher, our year old English Bulldog! I think it's pretty obvious he takes after me. He has a very sophisticated sense of humor, is prone to getting yeast infections in abnormal places, and has to use Stridex pads in his wrinkles, on a daily basis.

He also loves his Snuggie.

His snoring can reach 111 decibels, and he produces gas so bad that Al Qaeda is looking into producing a weapon of mass destruction with it. He clearly takes after Adam too.

I don't want to brag, but he's pretty much a genius. He likes to read The Smithsonian while going to the bathroom, can bark The National Anthem, and only tries to hump the really good looking dogs.

He is not currently neutered, but after some long discussions about it, we have decided to go balls out, and go ahead with the procedure. We are rather concerned about him losing his will to live, so we are looking into also doing Neutical implants.

We want his new testicles to be classy and understated, so we will probably only go with an Extra Large. Nothing too obscene.

And, of course, Mr. T just wouldn't be the same without a gold chain. He has taken a real liking to his.

We haven't received his dog tag yet, but I think the message on it will definitely intimidate, and prevent him for being dog-napped.

And what kind of parents would we be if we didn't take him to see Santa? Even PETA approves of taking your pets to be fondled by a 25-year old possible animal pervert.

Up Next: A post about explosive diarrhea. I'm a Mommy Blogger now!

Monday, November 28, 2011

The True Meaning of Christmas Is Celebrity and Fame

During the past few weeks, we've been spending time unpacking our new house, and judging our new neighbors. As I said on Facebook, I'm pretty sure we moved into a rather unfriendly neighborhood, as no one had an unsecured Wifi account for me to steal from. Jerks.

I've also been practicing my pepper spray technique for Black Friday, so I could get the new Justin Bieber panties before everyone else.

But my favorite thing I've been doing has been interviewing celebrities about various hard hitting subjects, during the holiday season. So, without further adieu, I present another issue of the segment shamelessly stolen from Conan O'Brien, Celebrity Interviews, Holiday Edition.

During the holiday season, I am embarrassed that I listen to:

Brad Pitt said, "The Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas album."

Oprah Winfrey said, "The Christmas Shoes, by Newsong."

Michael Bolton said, "Anything by Michael Bolton."

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Heidi Klum said, "A diamond necklace and a box of candy."

Jake Gylenhaal said, "A Rolex watch and a brand new puppy."

Paris Hilton said, "A sex tape and an STD."

The best gift I have ever given is:

Tom Cruise said, "My wife's engagement ring."

Keira Knightley said, "A Mercedes, to my mum."

Pippa Middleton said, "My badonkadonk, to the world."

My earliest Christmas memory is:

Mark Wahlberg said, "Putting out cookies for Santa."

Emma Watson said, "Decorating the tree with my family."

Larry King said, "Witnessing the birth of Baby Jesus."

All I want for Christmas is:

Robert Redford said, "For people to be more environmentally friendly."

Tori Spelling said, "For my kids to be healthy and happy."

Lindsay Lohan said, "My Pre-meth two front teeth."

The First Noel is:

Jay Z said, "One of my favorite Christmas carols."

Lea Michele said, "One of the songs we sing for the holiday episode of Glee."

Justin Bieber said, "The name of the original chick I impregnated in a bathroom."

When I hear "War on Christmas", I think of:

Bill O'Reilly said, "People trying to remove Christianity from the Christmas holiday."

Steven Colbert said, "Great fodder for The Colbert Report."

Courtney Stodden said, "A time to show my support for good Christian morals by wearing a slutty camo outfit."

Our family reading of the story of the birth of Jesus:

Regis Philbin said, "Is a Christmas Eve tradition for my family."

Denise Richards said, "Is something my daughters look forward to every year."

Khloe Kardashian said, "Lasts longer than a Kim Kardashian marriage."

This year, I am asking Santa for:

Sean Penn said, "An end to suffering in Haiti."

Taylor Swift said, "To win more Grammys."

Demi Moore said, "For my next husband to be old enough to have pubic hair."

One of the biggest holiday surprises I've ever received was:

Ryan Gosling said, "A marriage proposal from a fan."

Gordon Ramsay said, "Another Reality TV show."

Michelle Duggar said, "When my uterus tried to escape through my vaginal canal."

And finally,

Seeing Christmas lights reminds me of:

Jessica Alba said, "When my family used to drive through the neighborhoods after Christmas dinner."

Helen Mirren said, "The Star of Bethlehem on the night of the birth of Jesus."

Edward Cullen said, "When I take off my shirt and expose my creepy nipples."