Well, here we are. I am certain that many of you have had one sleepless night after another, wondering where I am. Wondering if I am OK. Wondering if I am wearing pants. This is clearly evident by the zero emails I have received, asking if I am going to blog again.
The truth is, I've become the Salman Rushdie of bloggers, and have gone into hiding, waiting for Dooce to issue a fatwa against me. I am pretty sure it has already happened, as evidenced by my tire being slashed at work. Either that, or I work with juveniles who decided they didn't like my "Justin Bieber Runs Like a Girl" bumper sticker.
You really haven't lived as a social worker until you have A) Had your tires slashed while at work, and B) Participated in a baby smuggling ring. I am two for two.
To get you all caught up to speed about what I have been up to, I figured we would play a little round of Three Truths and a Lie, also known as, "The Republican/Democratic Conventions." You get to guess what the lie is!
1) I have started a book club where we read books without pictures.
2) I have decided to become a vegetarian.
3) I have become a DIYer.
4) I have stopped judging people.
1) I have started a book club where we read books without pictures. TRUE.
My work schedule changed, about four months ago, and my official hours are Butt Crack of Dawn to 3 PM. It actually says that on my time card.
I used to be in a book club, and I liked being able to "read" and talk about people. So, I am starting my own, and the first official night is this Wednesday.
And yes, I actually chose a book that doesn't have a single picture. But don't fret. It has the word "vagina" at least 487 times, so I think that makes up for the lack of pictures, and some.
2) I have decided to become a vegetarian. TRUE.
Here is me last Tuesday, at 7:43 PM, at The State Fair:
I have been clean for five days now, and it hasn't been as difficult as I expected. I've only dreamed about Lady Gaga's meat dress twice, and taken licks off Mr. T's bacon flavored Lickety Stik, 7 times.
I made this decision mostly because I picture eating Mr. T every time I have a giant, delicious, juicy, moist, flavorful, delicious, juicy, delicious, yummy hamburger, but also for some health reasons. I think it's going really well. I've eaten 8 1/2 gallons of ice cream so far.
3) I have become a DIYer. TRUE.
Oh, hey! Look what I made! It was so easy that a monkey, or Jessica Simpson, could do it!
Next up? Knitting this sweater for Mr. T:
4) I have stopped judging people. LIE.
Listen, if you ever hear that I have stopped being judgey, know that it is because of one of two possible reasons. I have a traumatic brain injury, or I have started listening to Glenn Beck. THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN. With people like Honey Boo Boo:
And this mom, who potty trains her daughters in a public restaurant (I like to call her "Honey Poo Poo"):